“You Heal Me” by Janet Iturralde Santana

It’s safe to say that over the past few years, we have been pushed to deal with more stress than ever before. The feeling of powerlessness to help those around the world can bring us down. These negative emotions and images that we are surrounded by can affect our health, and even our personality. Some call this experience being in a “low vibration state.” Dr. Masaru Emoto takes this concept even further; he shows us how these vibrations can cause deformity in water crystals when negative emotions and vibrations are present. That means positive and high vibrations can inspire healing, while low vibrations just don’t. Vibrational and Holographic Sound Healing is a growing field that uses sounds and vibrations to improve health. The treatment uses the subtle energies of the body and implements like Crystal Bowls, or the voice.

When my husband and I moved back to NJ this year, I was in one of those low vibration states. My Uncle-Father had just passed away, and with him left the connection to his children and other family members. The loss felt insurmountable, and little by little I started to dig upwards out of sadness, self-pity, and guilt that comes with being a Cancer survivor. No one tells you that. Grief comes in stages, and you need to respect those stages and journey through them. Rushing grief can only serve to push you back into it. Just like rushing love, it all backfires. I walked the wire very slowly, trying not to get dragged back into the very comfortable, warm, and dark apathy. I had to meditate on the future, and find the rhythm of life again.

Another thing happened when I moved to NJ. As soon as I felt ready, there was something I had wanted to do for a long time; it was my goal to be a part of the artistic and musical world. My Facebook friend, Jorge, was a part of a cool group that made music, and they were seeking members. I wanted to be a part of it, so I joined the Montclair Gamer Symphony Orchestra, not knowing how it would change my life. The orchestra raised my vibration and reminded me of whom I really am.

Being around kind and gentle people helped me to trust. It helped me realize there are people like me; I just didn’t know where to find them. When I joined, the orchestra was practicing a song from Portal, a game I had never played or (I’m embarrassed to admit) even heard of. We were practicing “Still Alive,” and the song touched me deeply. How can video game music have such a deep message? Was this music made for me in this time? The song brought with it a powerful message, and I needed to hear that message desperately shouted in my face at full volume. It was something I had been denying myself because of the guilt and shame that comes with surviving.

It all started with, “This was a triumph.” Although so many great things were happening in my life and Real Estate career, I didn’t see myself as a winner. In the next line, “Huge success;” the truth was I was still here doing great things and working, yet for some reason I just couldn’t celebrate it or be happy about my achievements. “The science gets done” brought me gratitude for the life-saving treatments that were tested on me at Jackson Memorial Hospital Sylvester, which worked for me only because stage 4 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is curable. Then, “You make a neat gun” reminded me of cocktails tested in my treatment, which made me nonmetastatic in 6 rounds of chemo. This song gave me the “WIN” I so desperately needed. I sang it in the shower, in the car, at work, and even designed a costume for it. The truth was, I AM still alive. And so are you!

Another win came when I was asked to be a “White Mage” for the orchestra, someone who makes others feel comfortable and safe. Prior to my diagnosis in 2012, I had trained and earned a Life Coaching Certification. Someone saw that in me and asked me to be there for others, to show up for them. It was the very thing I needed to be for myself. We learn by teaching, and when I was asked to raise others’ vibrations, mine was raised as well.

When I say that the Montclair Gamer Symphony Orchestra means a lot to me, it is because it is my medicine; it is my serum that brings happiness, and a natural high to my life that nothing else can match. I hope this can help us all heal a little bit from this crazy world. When things are out of your control, you can control the rhythm of your life, and know that it can always change.

I invite you all to feel the vibration of your own heart. Remember that life is a song; there are highs and lows, and moments of sweetness. And I’m so grateful every day to be a part of your song.